“Mr.
Stark—”
“Pepper! Wait--this isn’t your usual number. Your
lucky day--you have no idea how close I was to blowing off this call.
Where are you calling from anyway? Isn’t this the area code
for Orange County?”
“Um, yes.
I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of time and this is
really important, so can you please arrange for
my bail as soon as possible because I’m already behind
schedule--”
“Whoa! Bail? You’re in jail? How did THAT
happen?”
“Tony—please,
can we discuss it later?”
“Are you okay? Jeez, you’re not in the county
holding are you? That’s a hellhole and a half. Be there
ASAP--”
“Tony, you
don’t need to do that! Just send
someone—Happy—with the bail, all right?”
“How much is it?”
“Um . . .
.”
“Come on, Potts, you’re talking to a billionaire
here: I’m used to big numbers. What did you do? Jaywalk?
Forget to return a library book on time, what?”
“I . . .
assaulted a police officer.”
“Say that again. Sloooowly, because I think I heard it wrong.
In fact, I’m SURE that was wrong. Let me start you
off—you . . . .?”
“—Assaultedapoliceofficer,
look, can you please,
please send someone to pay my bond and get me out of here,
DISCREETLY?”
“Holy shit. Are you SERIOUS? You assaulted a cop? With
WHAT?”
“Tony—!”
“Pepper, my mind is like, exploding in about a thousand
directions right now, and yes, I will get money out there ASAP, but I
need to know the charge and the amount. Holy fucking shit. You
assaulted a cop! Wait—this isn’t one of those prank
things. Did Platypus set this up?”
“Mr. Stark, I
am in my stocking feet at a public phone with nothing more than this
ONE phone call and if you don’t bail me out I’m
going to be spending the night here and, and, and . . .
you’re going to miss the Malibu United Way dinner this
evening!”
“Crap, you’re crying. Jesus, don’t do
that Pepper! We both know when you cry you get the hiccups and then
nobody can figure out anything you say. I’m already on the
five, Jarvis has me estimated there in twenty-two minutes and counting,
but I’m betting I can shave a few minutes off of that. What
did you hit him with, by the way?”
“What? Tony,
don’t come, just send Happy! And who said I hit him with
anything?”
“Because you don’t have the arm strength to make a
cop do anything more than laugh, and I really don’t see a
law-abiding good girl like you pulling a Zsa-Zsa, Pepper. You
don’t slap people, so ergo, it had to be a blow with
something bigger, and in the line of duty. See? I’ve paid
attention through a few of those court appearances of my own!”
“It’s
. . . complicated, and now isn’t really the time to get into
it---”
“Is there anyone in line behind you to use the
phone?”
“Well no,
but--”
“So what happened?”
“You really
aren’t going to let this just . . . go, are you?”
“Not a chance. Stop with the sighing and just talk to me
Pepper--!”
“Okaaay--When
I was coming back from the Irvine branch of your financial offices,
part of the traffic was being detoured around something, and it turned
out to be a load of goats that had fallen off a truck and they were
rounding them up. I wouldn’t have even gotten out of the car,
except the officer closest to me was kicking one of them with a broken
leg. The goat had the broken leg, not the officer that is. And when I
told him to stop, he told me it was a matter of public safety and that
I needed to get back in my car, except he kept kicking the goat and
there were people taking pictures and when I asked him AGAIN to stop he
wouldn’t, so I sort of pushed him, and he stepped in some,
um, squishy goat pellets and fell down face first into um, some MORE
goat pellets and broke a leg. His
leg, not the goat’s this time. He yelled at me I
was under arrest for assault and interfering with a police
officer’s duties and they cuffed me and put me in a squad car
that smelled awful
Tony! I mean even the goats smelled better than that back seat and when
the ambulance left they took me here and can you please just pay my
bail and never, ever say another word about this? Please?”
“P-P-P-”
“Stop laughing
it’s NOT funny, Tony!”
“Yesitis.”
“Tony, you
don’t understand! I can’t have a police record! It
will completely mess up my credit rating, and I’ll have to
redo all my personal references on my resume!”
“Pepper, you’re not going to have a police record,
okay? Calm DOWN—okay, taking the exit, I’ll be
there in seven minutes—oops, just flew through a red, but I
made it—For the record, if anyone recorded the cop kicking
the goats it’s probably on YouTube as we speak, and
I’ll bet my arc that PETA will post your bail if I
don’t beat them to it.”
“Really?”
“Really. Remember the grief they gave us about the biofuel
lab animals over in Petaluma? They’re mobile and vigilante.
And as for the assault, I think you’re going to be okay.
It’s not like you intended for Officer Unfriendly to take a
dive in goat marbles, right?”
“No.”
“There you go. And I’m pulling in to the parking
lot . . . . damn it, why don’t these places ever have any
‘reserved for Billionaires’ spaces . . . ooh, okay,
let’s see if I can wedge this between the Volkswagen and the
manure hauler . . . and we’re walking, we’re
walking . . .”
“I’m
in Booking, second floor, Women’s division.”
“Not a section of lock-up I’m familiar with, but
for you, Potts, I’ll hustle to get my Home Girl out. Yeah,
back at you Jack. Here, I have a permit indicating a medical implant
and that’s
why your detector is going off . . . yes, yes, THAT Tony
Stark . . . Thanks, yeah, I like the red and gold too . . . Booking?
Thanks . . . Pepper, you still there?”
“Yes. Oh God.
Tony, the press!”
“TMZ doesn’t cover Orange County, do they? And
anyway, it’s about you not me. And goats. I don’t
think they do goats, Potts.”
“Tony,
they’re a tabloid. You and goats in the same paragraph is
going to be solid gold to them!”
“Oops.”
OC Register, Anaheim CA—
Pepper Potts, personal assistant to billionaire Tony Stark of Stark
Industries was arrested today on charges of assaulting a police
officer. Potts, 31, had the altercation with Officer Bill Quinone of
the Irvine police Department. Witnesses to the incident say that Miss
Potts was emotionally agitated and argued with Officer Quinone over his
treatment of a herd of Nubian goats which had been part of an earlier
accident on the 57 freeway near the junction with the 5. In the course
of their argument, Miss Potts allegedly shoved the officer, who fell
and broke his left ankle.
Bail was set at fifteen thousand dollars and was paid by her employer.
TMZ, Glendale CA—
Tony Stark back in jail, but just visiting! Iron Man arrived at the
Orange County lock up this afternoon to bail out his PA, Pepper Potts,
after her arrest for assaulting the cops.
Could Tony’s bad behavior be catching?
On the other side, video footage of the incident seems to show that
Miss Potts is a wildlife lover--dedicated to party animals and goats,
but not pigs, it seems. Our exclusive footage is online and be sure to
fill out our poll: Should Potts serve time?
To: Tony
From: Leland/Legal Affairs
Re: Pepper’s case
Tony—
She’ll get off with a warning at most. The PETA footage is
not only conclusive that there was no deliberate intent, but also shows
her trying to help him up. Ain’t a jury in the world
that’s going to buy Officer Bill’s sulky bitching
that she pushed him. Tell your PA to relax, and when it’s all
over you two should send a nice donation to a goat farm somewhere.
And yes, I’m billing you for the time it took to type this.
L
“See? All over. No police record, no press, nothing to
indicate your sordid, goat-filled past, Pepper. Life goes on.”
“Tony, if you don’t mind, I’m going to
take the afternoon off, get a massage and forget this ever happened.
And if you ever
say the word to me again, I will hunt you down and—”
“—Break my leg?”
“No! But I might be tempted.”
“Nice try, but there aren’t any droppings around
here, and anyway, I’m just trying to get your goat.”
“Oh ha-ha. Very funny, Mr. Stark. Like I haven’t
heard that about oh, a MILLION times since this all started.”
“Look, I’m sorry, I am. But you know what? This is
only the second time in eight years that I’ve ever had to
bail YOU out of trouble, and you know, I liked it.”
“What?”
“Serious. I felt a genuine thrill right here, somewhere under
the arc. You were in trouble, and needed me, and I was THERE for you.
Through traffic and confusing hallways and forms and goat turds, I came
through for my Miss Potts!”
“You . . . did, didn’t you?”
“Yep. Without major damage to public property this time, I
might add. I say we go home and celebrate.”
“Celebrate?”
“Absolutely. And over some wine in front of the fire, we can
discuss exactly how you’re going to pay me back that bail
money. I have some particular ideas on that front---“
End
