Part One--Multiple Choice: please select the best answer to the following questions. Do not call for backup, send anything to the Lab or insist on having a lawyer present.
a) The waffles!
b) The sole and express purpose of seriously nailing Gil Grissom.
c) The chance to wear cute sleeveless shirts and sunglasses on the job.
d) The first annual Holly Gribbs Replacement gig.
2. Which two lab personnel have been abducted by aliens and had their brains switched?
a) Hodges and Ecklie
b) Judy and Bobby
c) Miss Piggy and David
d) Ronnie and Mia
(Extra credit—write the story)
3. For the Annual Lab picnic, Grissom always makes and brings:
a) Locust Surprise
b) Tarantula Casserole
c) Calamari and Beer breakfast bars
d) Sara, although they always act as if he’s just giving her a ride
4. Conrad Ecklie’s greatest secret fear is:
a) Someone discovering his collection of Bobby Vinton records
b) The return of Blue Kitty
c) Missing an issue of Pissy Lab Managers Monthly
d) Making small talk with Warrick
5. The swing shift is:
a) A mediocre movie with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell
b) The only bisexual CSI team
c) An excuse for Catherine to try out the dominatrix role on two annoyed colleagues.
d) A bigger joke than Grissom’s speech about Ecklie
6. Who has the most testosterone on CSI?
a) Grissom, enigmatic stud
b) Brass, well-named and confidant
who can emasculate males faster than a
d) Judy, who schedules everyone’s vacations
7. The reason Nick kept his head shaved for so long is:
a) He was tired of being mistaken for Warrick
b) He was tired of being mistaken for Ronnie
c) He kept losing bets
d) To encourage head noogies from Catherine.
8. Lady Heather’s other hobby besides domination is:
a) Having tea parties with repressed scientists
b) Oiling leather puppets
c) Trading sarcastic quips with cute Homicide captains
9. Sofia Curtis is:
a) TBTB’s way of getting a blonde on the show to go with the brunette and the redhead already there
b) Quite possible transgendered considering how low her voice is
c) Part of the Ecklie Scheme Team
d) An anagram of ‘factious sir’
10.The lab has been blown up—what other terrifying disasters are overdue to occur there in the coming season?
a) Locust swarm
b) Black mold
d) Windex shortage
e) Mystery burrito night in the break room
Part Two--Short Answer. Answer the following questions in three or fewer sentences. Follow the evidence, and be prepared to testify in court. Wear a tie.
1) When will Warrick ever wear a fully buttoned shirt outside of a funeral or court appearance?
2) What would you prefer the acronym CODIS to stand for?
3) If Grissom can grow a beard, why can’t he grow a ponytail too?
4) List two reasons why Hodges and Sofia SHOULDN’T be gotten drunk, handcuffed and left in a sleazy motel together.
5) Since all crime in Vegas happens at night, should they eliminate the Day Shift altogether?
Part Three—Essay Questions. Answer the following questions in painstaking detail, supplying sketches, samples, testimony and accounting. Behave yourself and tuck your shirt in.
1. In the ongoing saga of Catherine raising Lindsay, please cite your side of the environment vs. heredity argument. Make sure to include hair, clothing and make-up factors, the Brain over Braun consideration, and the inability of anyone, including Catherine, to pinpoint an actual age for the young Ms. Willows.
2. Teri Mueller to Sofia Curtis—the ongoing obsession of TPTB in attempting to get an ice queen Hitchcock blonde onto CSI—male writer’s fantasy or serious roadblock to Geeklove? Extra credit: Had Lady Heather bleached instead of blackened, would the ruse have succeeded?
3. Neutered: the apparent inability of Warrick, Nick, Greg, Brass or any other red-blooded male on CSI to nail a babe without the woman dying or being arrested. Does Latex lessen lust? Are showgirls blind? Or is the lack of visible action merely a reflection of discretion and satisfaction behind the scenes?