Part
One--Multiple Choice: please select the best
answer to the following questions. Do not call for backup, send
anything to the
Lab or insist on having a lawyer present.
1.
Sara
Sidle
came to
b)
The
sole and
express purpose of seriously nailing Gil Grissom.
c)
The
chance
to wear cute sleeveless shirts and sunglasses on the job.
d)
The
first
annual Holly Gribbs Replacement gig.
2.
Which
two
lab personnel have been abducted by aliens and had their brains
switched?
a)
Hodges
and
Ecklie
b)
Judy
and
Bobby
c)
Miss
Piggy
and David
d)
Ronnie
and
Mia
(Extra
credit—write the story)
3.
For
the
Annual Lab picnic, Grissom always makes and brings:
a)
Locust
Surprise
b)
Tarantula
Casserole
c)
Calamari
and
Beer breakfast bars
d)
Sara,
although they always act as if he’s just giving her a ride
4.
Conrad
Ecklie’s greatest secret fear is:
a)
Someone
discovering his collection of Bobby Vinton records
b)
The
return
of Blue Kitty
c)
Missing
an
issue of Pissy Lab Managers
Monthly
d)
Making
small
talk with Warrick
5.
The
swing
shift is:
a)
A
mediocre
movie with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell
b)
The
only
bisexual CSI team
c)
An
excuse
for Catherine to try out the dominatrix role on two annoyed colleagues.
d)
A
bigger
joke than Grissom’s speech about Ecklie
6.
Who
has the
most testosterone on CSI?
a)
Grissom,
enigmatic stud
b)
Brass,
well-named and confidant
c)
Catherine,
who can emasculate males faster than a
d)
Judy,
who
schedules everyone’s vacations
7.
The
reason
Nick kept his head shaved for so long is:
a)
He
was tired
of being mistaken for Warrick
b)
He
was tired
of being mistaken for Ronnie
c)
He
kept
losing bets
d)
To
encourage
head noogies from Catherine.
8.
Lady
Heather’s other hobby besides domination is:
a) Having tea parties with
repressed scientists
b) Oiling leather puppets
c) Trading sarcastic quips
with cute Homicide captains
d) Selling
9.
Sofia
Curtis
is:
a)
TBTB’s way of getting a
blonde on the show to go
with the brunette and the redhead already there
b) Quite possible transgendered considering how low her voice is
c) Part of
the Ecklie Scheme Team
d) An
anagram of ‘factious sir’
10.The lab has been blown
up—what other
terrifying
disasters are overdue to occur there in the coming season?
a) Locust
swarm
b) Black
mold
c) Muzak
d) Windex
shortage
e) Mystery
burrito
night in the break room
Part
Two--Short Answer. Answer the following questions
in three or fewer sentences.
Follow the
evidence, and be prepared to testify in court. Wear a tie.
1) When
will Warrick ever wear a fully buttoned shirt
outside of a funeral or court appearance?
2) What
would you prefer the acronym CODIS to stand
for?
3) If
Grissom can grow a beard, why can’t he grow a
ponytail too?
4) List
two reasons why Hodges and Sofia SHOULDN’T be
gotten drunk, handcuffed and left in a sleazy motel together.
5) Since
all crime in Vegas happens at night, should
they eliminate the Day Shift altogether?
Part
Three—Essay Questions. Answer the following
questions in painstaking detail, supplying sketches, samples, testimony
and
accounting. Behave yourself and tuck your shirt in.
1. In
the ongoing saga
of Catherine raising
Lindsay, please cite your side of the environment vs. heredity
argument. Make
sure to include hair, clothing and make-up factors, the Brain over
Braun
consideration, and the inability of anyone, including Catherine, to
pinpoint an
actual age for the young Ms. Willows.
2. Teri
Mueller to
Sofia Curtis—the ongoing obsession
of
TPTB in attempting to get an
ice queen Hitchcock blonde onto CSI—male writer’s
fantasy
or serious roadblock
to Geeklove? Extra credit: Had Lady Heather bleached instead of
blackened,
would the ruse have succeeded?
3. Neutered:
the
apparent inability of Warrick,
Nick, Greg, Brass or any other red-blooded male on CSI to nail a babe
without
the woman dying or being arrested. Does Latex lessen lust? Are
showgirls blind?
Or is the lack of visible action merely a reflection of discretion and
satisfaction behind the scenes?
4. Defining
‘night’ in
